Funny stuff

Crimes and Misdemeanors

Criminal activity is afoot and I'm hard at work, keeping track of the idiocy just for you.

How Dare You Call My Father Intestate!

The following is a very funny transcipt of an exchange that occurred during a deposition (via Say What?):

From Joseph G. Rollins of Houston, this excerpt is from a Trespass To Try Title case that he tried in Sherman "way back in the early 1950s." Joseph sets the stage by explaining that the witness' father had been "well known to have been an alcoholic."

Q. And your father died intestate?

A. (Halfway coming out of his seat) No, he died in a train wreck, Mr. Rollins, and you know it!!

Judge: He's just trying to find out if your daddy had a will.

A. Well, why didn't he just ask me that instead of getting personal about it.

Comedic Break

Another funny quote from one of my favorite websites.  I'm not exactly sure what today's quote says about our profession:

4PM Which Is the Legal Definition of 'Best Lawyer'

Boss man: We need a lawyer to handle this. If it were 5 years ago, I'd call my brother. He was the one of the best lawyers in the country, but he can't help me anymore because he's been disbarred.

New York, New York

via Overheard in the Office, Sep 5, 2006

Crimes and Misdemeanors

There's criminal activity afoot, and if I didn't keep track of it, who in the world would?

  • Maybe It's Time For This Thief To Consider a New Line of Work:  "A hapless German thief snapped his credit card in two while prying open a lock, inadvertently leaving behind his name and account details for police. (ABC News Online)
  • Did I say Tom Smith Officer?  I Think I Meant Tom Jones:  Tip of the day:  If you're planning to give the cops an alias, make sure it's not the name of a wanted criminal. (
  • Geez, My Parents Just Gave Me the Book "Where Did I Come From?": "A Rhode Island woman who routinely had sex with her boyfriend in front of her 9-year-old daughter to teach her about sex was sentenced to three years' probation, authorities said on Tuesday." (Reuters)
  • What Kind of Name Is Winnie the Pooh, Anyway?:  My kids always have a hey day with Winnie's last name, so I can totally see why "Toni Kay Scott, 14, was sent to an in-school suspension program called Students With Attitude Problems last year for violating a dress code...(because) (s)he had donned socks with the Tigger character from the Winnie the Pooh cartoons on them."  (AP via Quizlaw)
  • Butt, Seriously:  A hapless, yet stylin' burglar loses his pants during the course of his crime.  And, sadly for him, it was all caught on video surveillance tape.  (Court TV News)

Comedic Break

A video for your viewing pleasure--it's Al Yankovic's song "I'll Sue Ya".  (Hat tip:  Overlawyered, for the second time today).  If you happen to be a lawyer, it's only funny if you're able to laugh at your own (or your client's) expense.

(And, if you happen to be in the mood to rock out, this song is for you.  Personally, I rather enjoyed it. It's got a Rage Against the Machine kind of feel about it since it's based on one of their songs.  The name of the exact Rage song escapes me right now, however.)

Here are the pretty humorous lyrics:

Weird Al Yankovic - I'll Sue Ya

I sued Taco Bell
'Cause I ate half a million Chalupas
And I got fat!

I sued Panasonic
They never said
I shouldn't use their microwave
To dry off my cat

Huh, I sued Earthlink
'Cause I called them up
N' they had the nerve to put me on hold

I sued Starbucks
'Cause I spilled a
Frappucino in my lap
And brrr, it was cold!

I sued Toys'R'Us
'Cause I swallowed a
Nerf ball
And nearly choked to death

Ugh, I sued PetCo
'Cause I ate a bag of kitty litter
And now I got bad breath!

I sued Coca-Cola, yo
'Cause I put my finger down in a bottle
And it got stuck!

I sued Delta Airlines
'Cause they sold me a ticket to New Jersey
I went there, and it sucked! Yeah!!!

If you stand me up on a date
If you deliver my pizza 30 seconds late
I'm gonna sue, sue

Yes, I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah that's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue Sue, sue, yeah I might even sue you! Ugh!!

I sued Duracell
They never told me not to shove that double-A
Right up my nose

I sued Home Depot
'Cause they sold me a hammer
Which they knew I might drop on my toes

I sued Dell Computers
'Cause I took a bath with my laptop
Now it doesn't work

I sued Fruit of the Loom
'Cause when I wear their tightie-whities on my head
I look like a jerk

I sued Verizon
'Cause I get all depressed
Any time my cell phone is roaming

I sued Colorado
'Cause you know, I think it looks a little bit too much
Like Wyoming

I sued Neiman Marcus
'Cause they put up their Christmas decorations
Way out of season

I sued Ben Affleck ...
Aw, do I even need a reason?

Ugh! If I sprain my ankle
While I'm robbing your place
If I hurt my knuckles
When I punch you in the face I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue Sue, sue, yeah that's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue Sue, sue, that's right I'm gonna sue you Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

I'll sue ya! I'll take all of your money
I'll sue ya! If you even look at me funny

Comedic Break

From one of my favorite humor writers, Dave Barry, comes this beauty of a quote:

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:

(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them there.

(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression.

-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"

Crimes & Misdemeanors

There's criminal activity afoot, and if I didn't keep track of it, who would?

Who Needs Law School When You've Got Hollywood?

From one of my favorite web sites, Overheard in New York:

Is There Anything Julie Andrews Can't Do?

Law student: I learned in my International Law class that diplomats can park wherever they want and not get ticketed.
Friend: You had to go to friggin' law school to learn that? I learned that from The Princess Diaries.

--Dean & Deluca, SoHo

via Overheard in New York, Dec 19, 2006

Crimes and Misdemeanors

There's plenty of crime afoot and you know who's keeping track of it for you, don't you?  That's right.  I am.

  • When Cops and Pot Collide:  It was a bad day for some guy in Florida.  He drove his car, which just happened to have 43 pounds of marijuana and a wee bit of coke in its trunk,  smack dab into a parked cop car.  Bummer dude.  (AP via Dave Barry's blog)
  • The Hazards of Being a Criminal Defense Attorney:   It's bad enough when clients yell at you, but it's even worse when they stab you during jury selection  Can you say "mistrial" boys and girls?  (Yahoo)
  • Well, then can I at least call him "Satan"?:  The Missouri Supreme Court tossed out a man's murder conviction on the basis that the prosecutor was wrong in calling the man 'the devil' during closing arguments at trial since the People failed to provide "evidence that (he) was in fact the devil and the crime scene was hell..."   Personally, I'd pay good money to see a prosecutor prove that! (AP via Public Defender Stuff)
  • Shh..Criminal Mastermind at Work!:  Tip of the day: If you're having problems breaking and entering, make sure to call the cops and let 'em know that you're "trying to break into a church, but...(aren't) having much luck."  And then, make sure to let the cops know that you've got lots of weed on your person and even more drugs at home!  Ok, great job!  (Oh, and, if you actually follow that tip of the day, make sure that you definitely follow the second tip of the day: Insist on speaking to your lawyer as soon as you're arrested.)    (Yahoo via Dave Barry's blog)

Pro Se Inmate Litigants-Part Deux

I would like to introduce you to yet another extremely litigious pro se inmate, Harry Franklin.  Back in 1983, Mr. Franklin was a thorn a certain district court judge's side, to say the least.  At the time that this decision was written, Mr. Franklin had filed well over 100 pro se claims.

The judge lamented the course of his lengthy relationship with Mr. Franklin in the first paragraph of Franklin v. State of Oregon, 563 F. Supp. 1310 (D. Ore. 1983):

This is another chapter in the Harry Franklin saga. No longer am I tempted to call it the final chapter, as desirable as that would be to me. I mention mournfully that only the finality of death-his or mine-would enable the other of us to use the term “final” in that way. And, of course, if mine comes first, I have no doubt that another judge will someday express lamentations such as these. They will be packaged and labeled, by reason of tradition, as opinions.

Mr. Franklin's numerous and humorous claims addressed in this decision, as described by the judge, included the following:

  • Franklin alleges that while he was held in segregated confinement in the Yamhill County jail, an officer neglected to give him daily half-hour out-of-cell walks. This allegation is somewhat surprising because in other filings Franklin alleges he is crippled.
  • Franklin alleges prison guards abridged his “right to be supplied” with T-shirts.
  • Franklin sues prison guards who allegedly “wear clopping heels on their boots, which causes plaintiff to feel he's in a Natsy [sic] prison camp.”
  • In a novel use of a discrimination lawsuit, Franklin complains about the racial diversity of the Parole Board. Not only does Franklin's complaint not state a claim for relief but his supporting affidavit shows that this action is entirely vexatious. Franklin must find a forum other than this federal court in which to ventilate his small-minded apartheid philosophy.
  • Franklin complains the OSP staff violated his right to free speech by disciplining him for commenting on a guard's allegedly out-of-wedlock birth.
  • Franklin seeks $2 million general and $1 million punitive damages for the mental frustration he says a Portland television station caused him when one of its programs allegedly misidentified a “14 wheeler tractor and trailer rig” as an “18 wheeler.”
  • Franklin wants to be Governor of Oregon. Or.Rev.Stat. § 137.280(1)(a) stands in his way.
  • Franklin sues “Ronal Reagan and his constiuants [sic]” for $8.9 million for “violation of undue restraint.” Franklin complains that an unspecified executive order requires Oregonians to wear seat belts and that the U.S. Senate Commerce Committee endorsed a model drunk driving bill.
  • Franklin complains that he lost sleep on three occasions because OSP's steam heater pipes snap and pop.
  • Franklin alleges he endures “Harassment by Water.” Specifically, Franklin complains that the sprinkling of the prison yard during the summer months makes it a difficult for him to find a dry place to lie down.
  • Franklin complains that OSP rules on cleanliness conflict with his constitutional right to accumulate an unlimited number of newspaper clippings.
  • According to Franklin, OSP's superintendent ordered officers to “strip cells of all boxes” thereby violating his “writes [sic] to have and to hold file cartons.”
  • Franklin contends that the superintendent violated his “right to be at piece [sic] and/or treated better” by placing him in S & I near a vile-mouthed inmate. This complaint is rather disingenuous coming from one who was disciplined for his use of foul language.
  • Franklin sues Oregon's Governor, Attorney General, legislators, and judges for failing “to pass Legislation which would keep our System such as The Courts, &/or Jails from being so corrupt.”
  • Franklin claims a corrections officer falsely “arrested” him for destroying public property. Apparently, Franklin decorated the crutch the OSP infirmary gave him with slogans touting his gubernatorial campaign. The OSP disciplinary board declined to punish Franklin for this overzealous electioneering.
  • Quite literally, Franklin seeks his just desserts. Apparently, the OSP food service bakes desserts in aluminum rather than stainless steel pans. Franklin will not eat desserts served from aluminum pans for fear that “scrapings” from the pans will “settle in [his] Human Joints.”

Whew.  I'm tired.  I'm not sure if it's from laughing or from cutting and pasting the vast number of priceless (and pointless) allegations. 

Our tax dollars at work, dear readers.  Our tax dollars at work.