Legal Antics

It's gotta be a joke because real lawyers don't cry.

The auditor asks the man: "You lead an amazingly extravagant lifestyle yet you have no job. How do you expect us to believe you're not hiding something from us?"

So a man and his lawyer are called by the IRS for the man to be audited.

The man claims that he makes his money gambling, which the IRS agent still finds to be fishy, so he says, "Here, I'll prove it to you, I bet you $1000 that I can bite my eye!"

"Deal!" cries the auditor, thinking there's no way he can lose. The man proceeds to pull out his glass eye and chomp down on it.

The auditor is aghast when the man says: "Alright, now I bet you $2000 that I can bite my other eye."

Desperate to get his money back the IRS agent agrees. The man pulls out his dentures and bites his other eye.

The auditor is a wreck by now, he's just lost $3000 dollars to this guy with the lawyer as a witness. The man says, "Alright, last one, double or nothing. I bet I can stand on this side of your desk and pee into that trash can over there without getting a single drop in between!" And again, the desperate auditor agrees, thinking the task impossible.

The man stands up, unzips his pants, and pees all over the auditor's desk. The auditor is ecstatic, but the lawyer is starting to cry. When the auditor asks why he says: "When he told me he had to come to be audited he bet me $20,000 that he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

He said it, not me.

A law-related joke, for your amusement today:

Slanderous Statement

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.

"Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.

"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

Sometimes it's not so bad being a lawyer...

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares that he's been saved by divine intervention, so he's let go.

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade. He claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine. As he looks up at the release mechanism, he says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."

The way lawyers think.

 

A priest, a doctor, and an lawyer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Lawyer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Lawyer: Why can't these guys play at night?

No, not all lawyers--just some lawyers.

A lawyer joke for you:

A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, he says to no one in particular, “All lawyers are assholes.”

The fellow next to him lit into him. “How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes? How have you missed that it’s just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and you’d get slugged. And you should! If you weren’t such a jerk, I’d pour my drink all over you, but you’re not worth the cost of my drink.”

The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. “Look, I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,” he says, “By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?”

“Lawyer? I’m no lawyer, you idiot. I’m an asshole!”

Great question.

A lawyer joke for you:

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”

The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”

Then, the lawyer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

Negotiation 101

A lawyer joke for you:

A golfer stands at the tee, looks off towards the green and swings his driver. He hooks the ball over a hill onto the next fairway.

"Fore!" shouts the golfer as his ball drifts out of sight.

Cursing his luck, the golfer heads over the hill to find his ball.

When he reaches the top of the hill, he looks down to see his ball next to an injured man lying on the ground. The golfer runs over to attend to the injured man.

Slowly, the injured man regains consciousness and rubs the bump on his head.

"I'm so sorry, sir," says the golfer. "I hooked my ball and it must have hit you in the head."

The injured man sits up and winces in pain.

"I'll sue your ass, pal. I'm an attorney!" announces the injured man. "This is going to cost you $500,000 at least!"

"Well," says the golfer, "I shouted fore."

The attorney thinks for a moment and says, "I'll take it!"

Another lawyer joke.

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

Who are you calling an oxymoron?

Came across this today and thought it was laugh-worthy:

The word "oxymoron" is from a combination of Greek words for "smart" and "stupid," and it is used to describe a phrase that has an internal conflict or contradiction, such as "military intelligence" or "postal service."

The legal profession has its share of the usual two-word oxymorons, such as "legal ethics" and "Justice Rehnquist," but is unique in also providing us with the only one-word oxymoron: brief.

It's all even in the end.

A lawyer joke for your reading enjoyment:

Taking his seat in chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "I have been presented by both of you with a bribe," the judge bagan. Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, Attorney Leoni, gave me $15,000. And you, ASttorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached in his pocket a pulled out a check, which he handed to Leoni. "Now, then, I'm returning $5,000, and we are going to decide this case solely on its merits."