Legal Antics

Programming Update

Posting will be intermittent over the next week as this blogger soaks up the sun in Florida.

If lawyers talked like they wrote

Via Courtoons comes the following comic:

Wouldn't surprise me to learn that this guy aced the bar.

Where Lawyers Come From

Spazzed customer: Yo, dude, I need something to help me concentrate. I have to take a really big test and then I can forget it all. I have to take the bar -- have you heard of that? It's for being a lawyer.

Employee: Um, well, we have this herbal product to increase the blood flow to your brain.

Spazzed customer: Can I smoke pot with it?

Employee: Uh, sure.

Spazzed customer: Great. You take credit cards?

Employee: Yeah.

Spazzed customer: Great, thanks [leaves the store without buying anything].

--GNC, Astoria
via Overheard in New York, May 20, 2007

Bummer. And I was so tempted to reply.

Hot SWM seeking Asian Woman - 40 (Newport Beach)

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Reply to: [email protected] ^[?]
Date: 2009-02-11, 8:38PM PST

Me . . . very intelligent (multiple graduate degrees & business owner); family-oriented but never married & no kids (for real); yoga & 7-10 mile runs on the beach 4+ times a week; stylish, fashionable, playful and personable; not impressed with games or party girl types; homebody at night for the most part; relatively new to OC; dedicated, responsible, consistent & monogamous; tired of dating non-serious, beautiful women; gets a good amount of attention, but apparently not the right kind -- hahahaha.

You . . . Asian, 22-32, thin & attractive or very attractive or whatever you might want to call someone who gets a lot of attention; intelligent and family-oriented too; not into partying or getting attention for the sake of getting attention; have an affinity for fashion and personal appearance; loving and affectionate (no cold lawyer types, please); poised, graceful and elegant; never married & no kids (just like me); committed to exercise or staying fit in some fashion -- non-smoker.

I've posted one picture and have lots more including ones from modeling shoots. You should respond with same. Let's see if we can capture & retain each other's attention.

It's just easier for everyone this way.

How to argue like a lawyer.

Via Funny and Jokes:

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way

In terms of

Vis-a-vis

Per se

As it were

Qua

So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as “Q.E.D.”, “e.g.”, and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you don’t.”

Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, “Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.”

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, “Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.”

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

Bad cop. Or, at least, bad technique. Very, very bad.

Hat tip: Fail blog.

1Ls tend to have that effect on people.

Via Courtoons:

No, not all lawyers--just some lawyers.

A lawyer joke for you:

A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, he says to no one in particular, “All lawyers are assholes.”

The fellow next to him lit into him. “How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes? How have you missed that it’s just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and you’d get slugged. And you should! If you weren’t such a jerk, I’d pour my drink all over you, but you’re not worth the cost of my drink.”

The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. “Look, I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,” he says, “By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?”

“Lawyer? I’m no lawyer, you idiot. I’m an asshole!”

If by "girl" he means "English teacher", then I totally get it.

Lonley Lawyer Seeks Girl To Play With - m4w - 31 (Lexington)

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Reply to: [email protected] ^[?]
Date: 2009-02-02, 4:28PM EST

I am a passionate man who knows what he wants in life, unfortunately, I work so much that I never keep a good relationship and I cant seem to find a woman that likes to be pampered and go out and have a good time. Im attractive, d/d free and loves pleasing the woman im with. If interested send a pic!