Comedic Break

For today's comedic break, I bring you a self-proclaimed cyborg (yes, you read that correctly) pro-se plaintiff seeking to recover 5.6 billion dollars <Dr. Evil laugh> from Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Ross Perot, IBM, NASA and the Rockefellers, among others in Tyler v. Carter, 151 F.R.D. 537 (S.D.N.Y. 1993). 

The following are the most entertaining excerpts from the decision (which I verified on Westlaw).  I think my favorite part is the (alleged) quote from Vice President Dick Cheney, then the Secretary of Defense.  I had to significantly redact the quote in order to avoid unwanted google traffic or porn spam, so you'll have to follow the link to the opinion to read the quote and the opinion in its entirety. 

Plaintiff Teri Smith Tyler, appearing pro se, filed a complaint in December 1992 alleging a bizarre conspiracy involving the defendants to enslave and oppress certain segments of our society. Plaintiff contends she is a cyborg, and that she received most of the information which forms the basis for her complaint, through "proteus", which I read to be some silent, telepathic form of communication. See complaint, at 1, and Affidavit accompanying November 1993 Order to Show Cause.

She asserts that the defendants are involved in the "Iron Mountain Plan", which provides for the reinstitutionalization of slavery and "bloodsports" (which she identifies as death-hunting1 and witch-hunting), and the oppression of political dissidents, herself included. Plaintiff's complaint alleges a number of personal indignities visited upon her by defendants: "strafing of my dormitory room by planes and helicopters, the electronic bugging of my student rooms and apartments, deliberate noise harassment, blasting of loud rock music with lyrics designed for witch-hunts (music about social pariahs) . . . students following me around to prevent me from studying, whispering campaigns and social ostrification . . ." Complaint, at 1-2.

Plaintiff also makes the following allegations against the defendants. Former President Jimmy Carter was the secret head of the Ku Klux Klan; Bill Clinton is the biological son of Jimmy Carter; President Clinton and Ross Perot have made fortunes in the death-hunting industry, and are responsible for the murder of at least 10 million black women in concentration camps, their bodies sold for meat and their skin turned into leather products. The defendants are also responsible for breeding farms, which turn out 2,000 black girls a year, who are then sold for recreational murder or as human pets. Additionally, the defendants utilize weather control and earthquake technology to threaten other countries that object to the Iron Mountain plan.       

Plaintiff asks the Court to grant her the following relief:             

1. $ 5.6 billion in compensatory and punitive damages;             
2. A physical accounting of all black women born since 1940, including their present whereabouts, and for those who have died, an investigation into how they died;          
3. The purchase of land in Africa for the emigration of abused black women;            
4. The bringing to justice of those responsible for the American holocaust;             
5. An investigation into the foster care system, and a physical accounting of all black children placed into foster care;             
6. An end to slavery in the United States;             
7. The end of the cyborg program run by NASA, the Defense Intelligence Agency, American Cyanimid and IBM;             
8. An end to the organ-donor program...

Plaintiff additionally contends that Gulf War against Iraq was undertaken so that America could restock its sexual slavery camps, which had been depleted. According to plaintiff, 40,000 Iraqi soldiers captured by the United States, selected for their physical attractiveness, have been brought to this country where they were "being beaten, forced to run gauntlets and homosexually gang-raped by American soldiers." Plaintiff claims to have confronted Secretary of Defense Cheney with evidence of this allegation. Cheney, through "proteus", purportedly told the plaintiff, "...We just had to put some variety back into our death-hunting industry.  And they (Persians) are incredibly beautiful."

(Emphasis added).

Comments

[slickdpdx]

Just wait 'til proteus finds out you've been mocking one of its 'borgs!