Legal Antics

Lawerly holiday greetings.

Via Courtoons comes the following:

So glad he set the parameters for date #1.

Liberal Lawyer Looking for New Year's Date - 52 (Austin)

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Date: 2009-12-20, 7:06PM CST

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Hello Ladies of Austin,

So here's the dream: after a lovely dinner at a beautiful restaurant, we spend New Year's Eve listening to Jimmie Vaughn at the Continental Club Gallery. Then Chuck Prophet at the Continental Club Friday night January 1st. How about a date for one wild New Year's Weekend?

My name is Wayne the Lawyer, and I'm a damn good Board-Certified Criminal Defense Lawyer from Houston. I travel to Austin all the time for Court and fun. I'm looking for a partner in crime/accomplice/friend/lover/concubine/muse to enjoy Austin with. You know: Esther's Follies, live music, great restaurants, drinks by the pool with my dog at the Hotel San Jose.

As for me, I'm 52 years old, but I'm really immature. I'm 6'2", 210 pounds, and blonde hair...what's left of it. I've been told that I'm handsome but you know how people lie to you. I'm half comedian and half Hell-raising, far-left, Liberal Lawyer. My sense of humor is neither clean nor politically correct, so if you're easily offended, don't bother. And please don't be religious or Republican.

Back to DreamWorld: we could even spent New Year's Day together at Garner State Park with my dog in the Frio River if it's a nice day, or some serious shopping if the weather sucks. I guess I'm what is known as a Limosine Liberal; I'm hooked on Whit Hanks Antiques, Needless Markup's Last Call Store on Ben White, as well as the Factory Stores in San Marcos. I must confess that this old Hippie likes nice things. I've been a lifelong collector of Art and Antiques. Travel is another luxury I can't do without. I'm very much into good music and old movies as well. More dreaming: you love Johnny Cash, Nick Cave, Humphrey Bogart, Tribal Oriental Carpets, Gothic Furniture, Pre-Raphaelite Stained Glass Windows, and Italian fabrics also. And your favorite places to travel are Amsterdam, NYC, Yellowstone, and Monument Valley. Well, a guy can dream can't he?

I'll gladly provide you with a photo and my real name if you wish to check me out. I'm proud of my reputation both personally and professionally. I promise that I will amuse you, spoil you, and treat you with respect if you can deal with my outrageous sense of humor. My favorite comedians include Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, and Louie CK. If you can't take their material (just check them out on YouTube), then we really shouldn't waste each other's time.

Well, all this talk about humor, I better throw a joke in here. I once heard a comic say that "yeah, Women can fake orgasms, but Men can fake entire relationships." Yikes, it's true!

So how about a fun filled, 36-hour New Year's Weekend Half-Blind Date? Let's email, then talk, see if this'll work, and then have an incredible time together. And no, this ad is not looking for sex. So no pros or even amateur escorts should respond unless you need a good Criminal Defense Lawyer. Anyway, I don't fuck on the first date. I do love kissing however, so be warned, I'll be hoping for a passionate New Year's Make Out Session.

"Goodnight Austin Texas wherever you are." Extra points and prizes will be awarded to those who know what Live-at-the-Armadillo-World-Headquarters Album that line comes from.

Happy Holidays everyone. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Wayne the Lawyer

• Location: Austin
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1518977223

Doh!

But My Friends Call Me S.O.B.

Old bald lawyer to younger lawyer: I'm waiting for John Smith*, this son of a bitch who...

Third lawyer, strolling up, extending hand: Hi! Pleased to meet you! I'm that son of a bitch!

Brooklyn, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry
via Overheard in the Office, Dec 4, 2008

Happy Holidays!

Wishing you and yours Happy Holidays! 

It's magic I say!

But As a Paralegal? No.

Lawyer: Ben*, if I e-mail you something, can you figure out how to print it on legal-size paper?

Paralegal: Ummm, sure. [Later brings back printed text.]

Lawyer: Oh, great! You know, you have a future as a printer!

575 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York

via Overheard in the Office, Sep 4, 2007

Hello, McFly?

Via the Fail Blog, a very unfortunate name for a law firm:

One wonders why the "handsome" ones have to resort to Craigslist?

Handsome successful out of town attorney seeks sexy woman for affair - m4w - 32 (financial district)

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Date: 2009-11-21, 8:41PM PST

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I am a handsome married attorney, who will be in San Francisco for business off and on over the next few months, looking for a hot sexy woman to have a steamy affair with while I am in town. I will have lots of time to pamper and have fun with a challenging, intelligent, and sexually adventurous lady in all the exciting and luxurious ways the bay area has to offer. I especially enjoy great restaurants, clubs, and wine country. I have heard a lot of women get turned on by being with a man who would otherwise be off limits. Are the rumors true? I have pics to trade and have never disappointed in the size department.

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1477021650

Trying to recall if any of my colleagues use a cane...

His Friends Don't Have the Heart to Tell Him It's a Mr. Peanut Costume

Boy #1: What are you gonna be?

Boy #2: Soul of the devil.

Boy #1: What were you last year?

Boy #2, annoyed: Soul of the devil.

Boy #1: And the year before that?

Boy #2: Soul of the devil! I always go as soul of the devil.

Boy #1: What's soul of the devil?

Boy #2: This character I made up. He's like a lawyer for the devil. I have a cane.

--Park Slope, Brooklyn
via Overheard in New York, Dec 13, 2009

One wonders how many former hookers this guy unknowingly dated.

Hola, life long love affair in Arizona - 36 (Scottsdale, Arizona)

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Fecha: 2009-11-22, 11:44PM ART

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I am a young, fit, handsome man living in the fabulous resort town of Scottsdale, Arizona. I want to make a difference in the life of a beautiful young and intelligent Latina woman who will enjoy moving to Scottsdale and living a wonderful life with me.

Me: I had a solid childhood in a secure, fun loving catholic family with three sisters. I learned family values, manners, and a strong sense of responsibility. I am funny, smart, and athletic. By profession I am a lawyer; I work hard but make a comfortable living and enjoy a pleasant lifestyle.

You: You have a minimum of 2 years of college education, you speak conversational English, you are healthy (both physically and emotionally), you are thin, pretty and beautiful, you are NOT (and never worked as a) a prostitute, you are between 21 and 30 years of age. You are an emotionally stable woman raised in a family with manners and family values.

When I find you, we will build a life long love affair where we respect each other, love each other, sacrifice for each other, and aspire to bring out the best of each other. I want you to be the best you can be, and I need you to help me be the best person I can be.

If this sounds like an opportunity that will make you happy, please write to me together with several pictures and we can start learning more about each other. I can’t wait to meet you!

• Location: Scottsdale, Arizona
• NO se puede contactar al anunciante con servicios o intereses comerciales

It's like an Agatha Christie novel!