Legal Antics

God prevails. For now.

As reported in this AP article, last year Nebraska Senator Ernie Chambers filed the lawsuit last year seeking a permanent injunction against God, and alleged that God made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents and inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

Earlier last week, the lawsuit was dismissed on jurisdictional grounds.  The court held that:

Given that this court finds that there can never be service effectuated on the named defendant this action will be dismissed with prejudice...

While at first glance it appears to be a sound decision, Senator Chambers raised a good point when he criticized the decision, asserting that:

The court itself acknowledges the existence of God...A consequence of that acknowledgment is a recognition of God's omniscience...Since God knows everything, God has notice of this lawsuit.

I always thought the idea of omnipotence sounded really awesome.  Now, I'm not so sure.

You get what you pay for.

Via the Billable Hour comes the following greeting card/comic. 

For more criminal law cartoons, visit www.Stus.com:

Left, Right--it's all the same.

More crazy case names:

Via Lowering the Bar:

I Am The Beast Six Six Six of the Lord of Hosts in Edmond Frank MacGillivray Jr. Now.  I Am The Beast Six Six Six of the Lord of Hosts IEFMJN. I Am The Beast Six Six Six of the Lord of Hosts.  I Am The Beast Six Six Six of the Lord of Hosts OTLOHIEFMJN. I Am The Beast SSSOTLOHIEFMJN. I Am The Beast Six Six Six. Beast Six Six Six Lord v. Michigan State Police, et al., File No. 5:89:92, 1990 U.S. Dist. LEXIS 8792 (W.D. Mich. July 12, 1990).

Schmuck v. United States, 489 U.S. 705 (1989).

United States v. Approximately 64,695 Pounds of Shark Fins, No. 05-56274 (9th Cir. Mar. 17, 2008).

That's one way to get a job...

From a recent Craigslist posting:

Are you a lonely lawyer? - 24

Maybe we can do something about that. I'm an ambitious 3L at a good school, and I'd really like to land a job at a terrific firm. Unfortunately, my grades and the job market aren't the best. Ideally, I would like to meet a cute hiring partner for "networking." I'm sexy, petite, and very fun to be with. If you're interested, please tell me a bit about yourself. I'd be happy to exchange pics.

Hat tip: Above the Law.

Yeah, it sure is "funny".

Via the Billable Hour comes the following greeting card/comic. 

For more criminal law cartoons, visit www.Stus.com:

The Slacker's Guide to Law School

For those of you in law school or thinking about law school, The Slacker's Guide to Law School-Success Without Stress, written by Juan Doria is a must-read. 

I wish it had been around when I was in law school.  It would have saved me a lot of time and greatly reduced my ridiculously high stress levels. 

As it was, I had to figure it out all on my own. 

You young 'uns have it made!  Back when I was in school, no one told us about commercial outlines until it was too damn late!  By the time I was clued in, I'd already wasted hours of precious time reading hundreds of pages of case law when I could have used that time to drink beer--and lots of it!

But, I digress.

As explained at Amazon.com, The Slacker's Guide to Law School helps students:

(1) set their own goals and not get caught up in the hype of what everyone else is pursuing; (2) establish methods of study, fine-tuning one that works best; and (3) maintain a healthy life balance. For the careful 'slacker,' it is possible to make time for hobbies, socializing, dating or even starting a family. This reduces stress, makes law school more enjoyable, and as shown in this book can boost performance in class.

Unlike most law school casebooks, it's an easy read and chock full of useful information.  It offers straight talk in conjunction with something you rarely encounter in law school--humor.

For example, Juan Doria's description of his first year living in law student housing is classic:

My first year of law school I lived in an apartment complex that housed only first-year law students. Living there was exhausting; it was like Melrose Place...but with ugly people, really boring plot lines, and far too little sex. 

His advice on dating in law school:

It is especially  important to interact with non-law students when it comes to dating. If you date a fellow law student, there will be no escape from law school's death grip. Not even during sex--the one time in life when no man or woman should think about the law--will you be safe. At the point of orgasm, you might unwillingly yell out an obscure legal term in Latin like, "malum prohbitum," in turn responded with, "malum in se." Don't know about you, but I can think of anything less sexy.

And, that, my friends, is why I'm married to a nurse.

But enough about me.

Go buy the book--even if you're a lawyer and the last thing you want to do is re-live the hell that was law school. This book will make you laugh and might even help cure those embarrassing facial ticks that started during moot court finals and inconveniently kick in whenever you hear the words: "May it please the court..."

Hard to believe it...

These are truly case names:

United States v. 11 1/4 Dozen Packages of Articles Labeled in Part Mrs. Moffat’s Shoo-Fly Powders for Drunkenness, 40 F. Supp. 208 (W D.N.Y. 1941) (holding product was misbranded because it was not in fact a cure or treatment for drunkenness).

Easter Seals Society for Crippled Children v. Playboy Enterprises, 815 F.2d 323 (5th Cir. 1987).

Julius Goldman's Egg City v. United States, 464 U.S. 814 (1983).

--An appreciative hat tip to one of my favorite blogs, Lowering the Bar.

But, he looks like a prisoner.

Surprisingly, (ok, not surprisingly), an appellate court concluded that the following was not acceptable:

(Whereupon, the following proceedings were held outside the presence and hearing of the jury.)

COURT: All right.  Mr. Shaw, let’s have an understanding here.  Listen to me.

DEFENDANT: I brought –-

COURT: I’m asking you to listen to me, and I’m telling you what is going to happen.

DEFENDANT: You’ve already denied me due process of law, sir.

COURT: Get the duct tape out.

(Whereupon, court remained in adjournment.  At which time the Defendant was bound and gagged.)

Shaw v. State, 846 S.W.2d 482 (Tex. App.—Houston [14th Dist.] 1993).

 

The appellate court held that defendant had been unfairly prejudiced as a result of sitting in front of the jury for the duration of the trial while bound and gagged with duct tape: "Even after considering the appellant's prior criminal record we find this sentence (99 years in prison) somewhat on the severe end of the spectrum for stealing cartons of cigarettes from a grocery store."

Hat tip: Lowering the Bar.

Reminds me, once again, of one of my favorite Monty Python scenes:

   

By I am sorry, I mean...

You, sir, are an asshole.

Ok, that's not what was really said, but it may as well have been.

UPDATE: I recently received an email from the recipient of this letter, Dale Markland, and he asked that I post a link to his response to the same.

Hat tip: Above the Law.